The AndyZone

The Official Home on the Web for Fans of Author William Andy Hainline

The official place in cyberspace for author William A. Hainline's The Reality Engineers,  a zany, irreverent sci-fi series that looks at life in a weird universe through the eyes of geeks and nerds.  Also, it's about  aliens trying to invade earth.  And elder gods.  And oh yeah — high-tech superheroes and supervillains.  Can't forget those.

#SaturdayScenes!

Hey everybody!  Check out this new scene from my current WiP:

“Sire . . . I’m here, sire!” cried Valarys, lifting his arm and waving so that Evrin could see him through the drifting snow and the moonlit dark.  “Is that you, your Majesty?  I can barely see you for the snow!”
“Yes, it’s me!” said Evrin, making his way to the man.  Gods but it was bitter cold here!  The blizzard around them made it hard to see very far in any direction; all he could see for miles was mounds upon mounds of moonlit white powder.  Where were they?  Somewhere in Winterburn, that much was obvious.  They had to be; there was no place else as cold as this in all the world, save for perhaps the far northland of Arctica.

“Your m-m-Majesty!” called Ibrahaim, his teeth-chattering as he got to his feet from where he lay.  Evrin could make out that he was covered in head to toe in snow; he had probably landed head-first in a drift.  He tromped over to where Evrin stood, rubbing his arms with his hands for warmth.  “By the g-g-gods, where are we?  It’s f-f-freezing!”  He wrapped his grey cloak tighter about his body.  Already, he was turning blue, as were they all; if they did not find shelter soon, they risked being frost-bitten—or worse.

“Where’s Albrecht?” cried Evrin, squinting to see as he looked around.  His ears and cheeks burned in the crisp breeze.  “Albrecht!  Elric!  Trevail?  Did Trevail go through, too?”

“I’m here, sire!” came Albrecht’s voice.  There he was—about twenty feet away, making his way toward them, huddled for warmth as he trudged through the snow.

“Yes, your m-m-Majesty!” shivered Elric, stumbling out of a snow-drift.  “I’m h-h-here!  And c-c-old, sire!”

“Your Majesty!” cried an unfamiliar voice; it was Arthur Trevail, stumbling toward him with his arms wrapped around him, shivering.  

“Your Majesty, what is the meaning of this?  Where are we?  Who is
that woman?  What the Trell is going on!”

They approached each other and then stood in a semi-circle, blowing on their hands for warmth.  Approaching from a short distance away, Evrin spotted the Guardsman who had shown Elisira into the throne-room.  “You there!  Guardsman!”

“I never should have let her in, sire!” the man replied.  “I knew it, knew it in my gut!  But she did something to me, something to my mind.  I don’t—”

“It no longer matters,” said Albrecht.  “I suggest we all stick together, your Majesty.  For warmth’s sake, sire!”

“Good man!” said Evrin.  “We need all the heat we can—”

“Oh, whatever is the matter with you Humans?” came a chiding, womanly voice.  “Can’t you stand a little cold?”  There, about five yards away, stood Elisira and her six hooded companions, but the snow and wind did not touch them, somehow . . . rather, as Evrin looked closer, he could see that a shimmery sphere made of some mystical force—rather like a large, filmy soap-bubble with glowing edges—surrounded the seven of them, covering a ten-foot radius around them; the snow and wind bit at the edges, but did not penetrate the barrier.  The emerald in Elisira’s staff continued to glow a bright green, causing them all to cast long shadows in the snow as they approached.

“Come on, men!” said Evrin, and made his way to the bubble and Elisira, and his companions followed.  As soon as he crossed the threshold and entered the shimmering bubble of force—a tingling sensation went through him as he passed through its perimeter—he instantly felt himself warm a little, the cold and the icy wet snow left behind for the moment, though it continued to blow all around them just outside the sphere.

“Elisira,” began Evrin.  “Where—?”

“Where have you taken us, demon-witch!” demanded Ibrahaim, rounding on her.  “Where!”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” said Trevail.  “Your Majesty, what in the name of heaven above—I thought you wanted to discuss my new invention?”

“It would take too long to explain,” grumbled Evrin.  “Suffice to say that today is a day for legends coming to life, Master Trevail, and that our discussion has been tabled for now.”

“Your Majesty?  I’m frightened,” said Elric, huddled up, rubbing his arms.  “Who is this woman, where are we?”

“Easy boy,” said the Guardsman.  “I’m certain answers will come.  His . . . his Majesty knows what business he’s about.  We’re just along for the ride.”  He looked extremely uncertain about this, and his questioning gaze lingered.

“Legends?  What legends?” asked Trevail.

Elisira smiled her usual smile.  “To answer your question, your Majesty—to Winterburn.  About four hundred miles east of your city of Aeòthánia.  By way of what we call a Portal.  And to answer your question, Philosopher—I am Elisira, of the Aletheion people.  Here to tell Humankind that it no longer walks the path alone.  And you needn’t fear, young one.”  She placed a hand on Elric’s head; he instinctively drew back from her.  “Be easy.  No harm will come to you so long as you are in my care.”

“Aletheion, Aletheion . . .” said Trevail, appearing to search his memory.  Then, the answer apparently came to him, and his eyes widened.  “The creatures described in the Legendarium?”  His voice shot up an octave on the word.  “You mean the . . . the legends are true?  But that can’t be . . .  It just can’t!”

“It would appear that it can,” grumbled Valarys.  “And it is.  And I know one thing for certain:  I’m too old for this shite.”
“The Philosopher is right; this isn’t happening,” said Albrecht flatly.  He shut his eyes and muttered, “It isn’t.  I’m safe in my tent, dreaming, and the men are just outside, standing guard . . .”

“Get a grip on yourself, man!” shouted Evrin.  “All of you!  That’s an order, from your King.  Spines straight, eyes forward, men!  Now, then.  Elisira.  Why have you brought us here?  Are we to be your prisoners, now?”

“Heaven forbid, no!” intoned Elisira.  “I brought you here so you could see something.  Look yonder—and see where we have made our home these past ten centuries!”  She gestured to her left, and Evrin could see now that they were standing near the edge of a cliff.  Coming from just over the edge, he could make out a ghostly light, emanating from something below—something big.  He walked to the edge—Elisira, the others, and the bubble all followed him as he moved—and there, looking over the cliff, he beheld an awesome sight.

There, rising up out of the snow like an oasis made of steel and glass and crystal, stood the ancient Iovan heaven-ship in all its elden glory, the golden spires on its towers of scaffold gleaming brightly in the moonlight, the smooth reflection of which played across the stark grey metal of the giant ring that formed the city’s foundations.  The ship stretched on for miles, a titanic thing of metal and wheels rising up from out of the ice, slightly curving as it did.  Legend had it that the ships were saucer-shaped, with the immense cities mounted on the backsides of huge circular plates, and what he saw now bore that out.

A jaw-dropping, gargantuan thing to behold, the old heaven-ship was an insanely dense, labyrinthine landscape of interconnected corridors, buildings, and vaulted walkways, all brilliantly lit by what must’ve been ten thousand points of light.  Windows, thought Evrin.  Windows and hearth-lights, that's what I’m seeing.  Detailed networks of intricately-decorated domes, slanted metal rooftops, and towers made of scaffolding stretched on and on for miles, far off into the Winterburn waste for as far as the eye could see.  It made one feel extremely small and insignificant, to stand before such a massive, forged artifact as this.  And to think, the city below was actually a ship—one made to sail the very heavens!—buried here in the ice for centuries!  And, it was not a creation of any “gods,” but instead that of a long-lost people!  A people who must’ve once been, in their own time, at the same place in history where Humans found themselves now!  Would the Human race one day aspire to the same astronomical achievements as the long-dead Iova?  And would they too one day fall from grace, just as the Iova had, and into the same blackness of the soul as had once possessed them?  The sheer scope of the prospect—that, and the years and feats of magic that it must have taken to build such a tremendous thing; the terrific might and power of the civilization that had created it; the sheer size and ancientness of it—it all left him dumbfounded.  There were no words.

“Welcome to Thetanonica," said Elisira, standing next to him, with no small amount of pride in her voice.  “Home of the Aletheion.  Come, though.  This is but a way-station for us, before we arrive in the city-proper . . . I just wanted you—all of you—to see this, to know that at least this much of your history is true, and that it is part of a history we share together.  Seeing is believing, after all.  It is as your Natural Philosophers say:  ‘We do not ask for your faith . . . only your eyes.’”

“‘Eyes to see with are blind without faith,’” quoted Ibrahaim as he frowned, and Evrin felt himself smile a little.  Some things would never change!

“Bless my boot-buckles!” whispered the Guardsman.  “Why, I’ve never seen the like!  Your Majesty—sire—what in heaven do we do now?”

“Dear gods, but it’s beautiful!” cried Arthur Trevail.  He rounded on Elisira, his face full of questions.  “Tell me—how many of you live there?  And where does it get its power from?”  He turned toward Elisira, who was smiling at him, her eyes twinkling with reflected light.  “Tell me.  You must tell me.  The Guild must know of this place, so we can study it further!”

“In due time, perhaps they will,” replied Elisira.  “But only in due time.”
“So you’re . . . you’re a witch?” asked Elric, turning to her, fear shining in his eyes.

“I suppose,” said Elisira.  “Though I would prefer ‘conjurer’ or ‘mage’ or ‘thaumaturge.’  But ‘witch’ will do for now, I suppose.  You mean it innocently enough.” 

“So you brought us here to impress us with your city,” said Valarys, nodding.  “Well done.  To think that when I got up this morning, I told myself it was just like any other day . . . little did I know I that before it was over, I’d be cavorting with creatures out of legend, and seeing sights like this one!”  He shook his head.  “This will make a fine story for my grandchildren . . . if I ever see them again, that is.”

“I’ll second that, if I ever have any,” said Albrecht.  “Provided I survive this.” He took a step closer to Evrin, and lowered his voice.  “Your Majesty . . . that city is easily ten of Aeòthánia!  The colossal power of these people . . . the awesome scope of their magic!  It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen!  Why, if they had wanted to, they could’ve reached out from here with their power and destroyed us all five times over!  You, Ronel, the others—all of us, every kingdom at once!  They could’ve swatted us off the map like flies if they’d wanted to!”

“And yet they chose to come in friendship,” said Evrin, thinking carefully, and in terms of strategy—as a king must always do.  “Or at least, they say they do.  I tell you, there’s some other motive, here, Albrecht.  No one is this open, this altruistic at the outset of any alliance.  No, Ibrahaim is right.  There is a price hidden here, somewhere.  They want something.  It’s the reason they’ve acted with such respect and restraint thus far.  We have something that they want, whatever that may be, and we are being wooed.”

“Yes . . . that would make sense.  Very astute of you, sire.  But, regardless . . . let’s say we do have something they want.  And, let’s say we give it to them, whatever it is.  What then?  Ibrahaim may have a point—about where they come from; that is, about trusting them—and I’m not saying we shouldn’t be wary, but . . . if we could somehow ally ourselves with these people, gain their trust—”

“I was thinking the same thing just now,” said the king, nodding.  “With this sort of magic on our side, Ronel wouldn’t dare oppose us.  No one would.  No one could.  But then again, these Aletheion—they’re not stupid, Albrecht.  Look around you, man!  They would know of—and see through—such ambition!  Perhaps that is the reason they brought us here to parlay with our enemies . . . because they know that theirs is too great a power to be wielded by any one people.  Mine, Ronel’s . . . perhaps even their own.”

“You are a just and wise ruler of men,” said Albrecht, and clapped his hand on Evrin’s shoulder.  “I do not think I myself could stand in the face of such temptation and not sway or give in!”

“Oh, my old friend,” said Evrin, smiling gravely as he eyed Elisira.  He chuckled.  “Do you really think our new friends would ever let it come to that?”

“Your Majesty!” cried Elisira, approaching them, using her staff as a walking stick, the emerald in its top still aglow.  “Well, what do you think?  Come.  I’m opening another Portal, this time to the city-proper.  Prepare yourselves, for there you shall meet old friends . . . as well as enemies.  But take care that you do not draw your sword within city-limits, Majesty, not even in anger or as a reflex.  Our Guards of the Citadel will not permit blood to be spilled on our soil, and they take their jobs very seriously.  While here as our guests, you will enjoy a certain amount of ‘diplomatic immunity’ to our laws, but remember:  Your laws are not our laws, and you are the rightful king of Lóeth-Lórica . . . not that of Thetanonica.  Do you understand?”

“So be it,” said Evrin, nodding.  He squared his shoulders and set his jaw.  “You have my word on it; there will be no violence on my part.  Now let’s get on with it.”

On Joining The Independent Author Network . . .

Hey gang!  I've just signed up to join the Independent Author Network.  You can visit my page there by clicking right here.  The IAN is a coalition of self-published authors, like me, who are interested in helping promote one another's works through Twitter, Facebook, etcetera.  So if you would, share the link far and wide with all your friends, for like me, it's destined for greatness!  You can find all of my books there for purchase from both Amazon and Smashwords, as well as all my book trailers and other cool stuff!  Don't forget to include the #IAN1 hashtag in all your tweets about my page!

Now On Whizzbuzz, OffWorlders, and Smashwords!

Hey all!  Just a quick update to let you know that my novel, The Reality Engineers: What Happens At Con Stays At Conis now featured on the Whizzbuzz.com bookshelf as well as on Offworlders.com!  That's right — one more place where you can snag yourself a copy of my inaugural literary work and get started on devouring the series.  Check it out by clicking the links in the previous sentence!  Also, check out the BooksOnline directory, where I am a featured author!

Finally, I've rekindled my love affair with Smashwords, so now The Reality Engineers series is available there, too!  This is HUGE news, as it means that the series will now be available to readers on not just Amazon's Kindle, but also on Apple's iBooks platform as well as others!  You can download it in PDF form from Smashwords as well, so even if you're on a PC with no eBook reader software, you can still enjoy the madness of the series!


Well, Hell Hath Frozen Over... The 3RD VOLUME of THE REALITY ENGINEERS is now out on Amazon!

That's right folks.  The third and final volume of the initial trilogy in The Reality Engineers saga is out right now in print and on Kindle!  (For something like $14.99 and $2.99, respectively.)  This volume marks the end of the second major story in the trilogy, which was begun in Volume 2, and now finished up and concludes.  The Reality Engineers was always meant to be a "tirilogy of trilogies," so to speak, a set of books that were segmented into different episodic adventures yet that, if you wished, you could read as one big  story, all of the smaller ones gelling together as a whole.  That said, I hope you guys all enjoy this book, as I worked myself to death to get it done in a timely fashion.  Volume 4 — which WILL exist — is currently in the planning stages, and lemme tell ya, I'm taking my good sweet time with it to make sure that everything is perfect.  I'm inventing a whole new world for my characters to crash-land on and explore, and I wanna make it a great one, an ancient world full of mystery and hyper-imaginative stuff!  You'll see.  It's gonna be epic as hell.  As for what comes next, I'm also working on another novel, too, and this one will be something like "Volume 3.5," as it tells the story of what happens to the new cast of characters before they meet the old cast of characters.  It's all rather complicated and timey-wimey, but I'm certain you'll just love it once it's done!  Anyhow, take care, and enjoy this Volume's awesome new cover art by genius Jeanine Henning!  May the Force be with you, and may you live long and prosper!


The EPIC new book trailers for THE REALITY ENGINEERS have finally arrived!

After a long, difficult period of incubation and gestation deep within the bowels of my 3D animation and video-editing softwares, TWO new epic trailers for my series, The Reality Engineers, are finally now live on YouTube!  Check out their awesome badassery below, and leave a comment to let me know what you think!  Share 'em far and wide, friends, 'cause these trailers are too cool to be ignored!  The first trailer is the UNFINISHED version, while the SECOND trailer has all the effects in place and finished — check 'em out!


Another Cool 3D Animation

Hey all.  Here's another cool little animation of Widdershins, the positronic-clockwork unicorn, prancing around — well, more like "running in slow motion" — across a giant circuit board.  Enjoy.  This took nearly 3 days to render out properly from Autodesk Maya, using the mental ray rendering engine, on my quad-core Xeon machine (4 real cores, 4 virtual).  Hopefully, I will soon be able to upgrade to a 10-core processor (10 real, 10 virtual), which will speed up the rendering process exponentially!  But until then, enjoy this 15 second clip of Widdershins running.  Hope ya like it!


My first 3D animation!

Hey dudes and dudettes!  Do you like my various 3D creations?  Well then, I've got something special for you . . . my very first 3D animation, produced in Autodesk Maya 2015, student version.  Check it out!

My first-ever big time BOOK REVIEW!

Wow! My first-ever big time BOOK REVIEW, by the folks who manage "Fantasy and Sci-Fi Rock My World." Go read it right this very second, while the virtual ink is still warm! I'm all goosebumps right now . . . especially considering how much the reviewer loved it! Check it out at the link below!


http://www.fantascize.com/content.php?642-Book-Review-The-Reality-Engineers-Volume-1-What-Happens-At-Con-Stays-At-Con-by-William-Andy-Hainline

Book Review: 'The Reality Engineers: Volume 1: What Happens At Con Stays At Con' by William Andy Hainline

 

by Jake Vyper

Published on 02-21-2014 11:23 AM

Escapism feels like a fiesta in William A. Hainline's The Reality Enginners, a sci-fi comedy novel that celebrates geek culture with undying passion. Like the fan conventions that define its charms, Volume 1: What Happens in Con Stays At Con takes you to a crucible of worlds, a hodgepodge of modern speculative entertainment where fandoms collide and geeks rule. If Kick Ass and Ready Player One had a love child, it would probably resemble something like The Reality Engineers. 

The story is set in a popular convention called RetCon XVIII, and amongst the celebrities, cosplayers, and geeks who gather in this wild event, are two gifted scientists with a knack for mind-blowing technology and fandom knowledge. Desirée “Dizzy” Roentgen is a bad-ass inventor/heroine who reminds me of Hit-Girl from Kick Ass. The other genius is Terry "Gadget" Anders; his invention is a helm that gives him psionic powers–telepathy, telekinesis, and force-field formation. Their talents are as impressive as their expertise on comic books and popular sci-fi shows like Doctor Who and Star Trek. 

Much of their activities are described in techno-babble; their conversations are dashed with in-joke humor, fandom quotes, and sexual innuendos (which could be a mix of all, at times). Some non-geeks might have to Google some references to fully get the easter eggs that Hainline expertly weaves in the story. The allusions don't feel forced; most of the time, if you get what the characters meant, you'd laugh at their outrageous contexts. They have to work together, along with their friends, to hunt down a tentacled alien disguised as a sexy female Vulcan who targets lonely geeks. 

The extrapolation of technology sounds smart; Hainline would describe the inventions' mechanical aspects in fine details as if he knows exactly how they work. Their visual style is impressive and often pleasantly weird; yet you don't see the full potential of their functions til the latter half of the story. The early scenes drag a bit, with excessive demonstrations of their geeky passions: they debate about the philosophy of Star Trek fandom, play Dungeons & Dragons, flirt and role-play as they awkwardly quote famous sci-fi lines. The book's witty humor and visual spectacles would definitely entertain, especially if you're a part of the fandoms discussed. Hainline's anything-goes style has its ups-and-downs: It's fun to read, but sometimes I wished that the characters would be more focused on the plot, their quest to kill a monstrous alien. 

The story, eventually gains momentum, however; it gets more interesting when the enemy is unleashed, causing havoc in a convention. The motive of the alien is strange; it's like a parody of alien invasion movies, and with the rampant chaos, I had a feeling that the scenes would go Hentai-mode, but Hainline keeps it at PG-13 level. 

Hey, let's face it...if you were an alien on a jizz-collecting mission and you needed a bunch of horny men who were willing to stick their Shai-Hulud into almost anything with two legs and a heartbeat, where better than a con?

There are a lot of cute surprises such as pistol-wielding gorillas, pseudo-science, and time-travel, but the novel's strengths aren't just composed of its visual flares. Underneath its comedy and plethora of geek references is a story about alienation, courage, and friendship. It shows an honest view of the culture: geeks and nerds are alienated in the real world. This inspiring speech boldly presents the truth that the whole novel boldly conveys: 

Basically, what I’m saying is that us nerds, geeks, and fanboys? We’re the intellectual Other. Because way deep down in our con- sciousness, there’s something different going on. There’s a part of us that never embraced the process of social homogenization that society likes to call ‘growing up.’ They associate maturity with what they call reality, a narrow subset of pos- sibilities that they privilege. And man, they worship their reality, and treat any- body who doesn’t buy into it as the Other. But something deep in the core of who we are rejects their reality, just as they reject us because we reject it, an auto- immune response on the paradigm level. We dream of things like dragons, tele- porters, time machines, and aliens . . . of unknown futures, of other worlds. They dream about banging porn stars and getting promotions. Honorable pur- suits, to be sure, but ultimately meaningless, simplistic, Mundane, with little imaginative significance. Look at the past twenty-five years of scientific, techno- logical, and philosophical progress, and name me one mover and shaker who wasn’t a geek, nerd, or hippy, or some other type of social fringe event? When has a quote-unquote ‘normal’ person ever shattered the boundaries of human understanding? When has ‘fitting in’ ever gotten anyone into the history books? True fact: It hasn’t. Does being different guarantee you a spot? No. But being different and being great? Now that will earn you top marks. Notice, though, that ‘being different’ is in the prerequisites. The Mundanes, they know this. They never speak it, but they know it in their bones. It’s why they Otherize us— makes ‘em feel more significant. Well, I say it’s high-time we toss ‘em kicking and screaming out of Plato’s Cave . . . help them wake up from the self-induced sleep they call ‘reality.’ Hell, you ask me? Freaking the Mundanes isn’t just fun . . . it’s a frakkin’ moral imperative! And the best way to do that is standin’ in the proverbial elevator with our backs to the door. Or by banging a Vulcan in there, either way.

The Reality Engineers is smart and funny. Hainline's passion for the geek community is genuine. Because of its comedic elements, nostalgia, and spectacular action, I would put it in the same shelf with John Scalzi's Red Shirt and Erenest Cline's Ready Player One. These days, the sci-fi industry needs more fun and optimism, and Reality Engineers is a rare kind of novel that fills that void.

Volume 2 Is Now Available!!!

Ladies and gentle-dudes!  I am both ecstatic and swelling with pride as I say unto thee, verily, that the PRINT edition of "The Reality Engineers: Volume 2: The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth" is NOW AVAILABLE from CreateSpace, and will soon be available to order from Amazon.  The list price is just $11.99 — a bit more expensive than Volume 1 because of its length — so go and grab yourself a copy right this second!  It's sexier, darker, and far weirder than Volume 1, but of course you'd expect that, seeing as how it's a sequel.  But worry not . . . it still has that same madcap whimsy as the first volume, and more!  SEE the characters struggle with the real world; WITNESS apocalyptic battles between good and evil; HEAR the strains of Dizzy's guitar, and FEEL the pathos as Gadget quietly lusts after her.  It's all right here in this, the SEQUEL to the soon-to-be-cult-classic, The Reality Engineers: What Happens At Con Stays At Con !  It's also available from Smashwords in eBook form, as well!  So go check it out right this very second . . . get it while the ink is still fresh, and marvel at its wonders!


An Excerpt From "The Reality Engineers: Volume 3: Elder Gods, Vampires, and Zombies, Oh My!"

An enormous, antiquarian book lies before Gadget, latched on the side with a little bell attached to what remains of the lock.The crusty, weather-beaten pages are piled deep and thick, the top, fore-edge and foot of the book are all gilded, the gold shimmering in the half-light that haunts this place.Gadget runs his fingers over the book’s cover, and finds it rough-cut curls carved into its surface.So many creases, so many folds, as though the leather has been worked like steel.Then, he is seized by a sudden—but certain—knowledge of the cover’s material, and it is a sinister knowing indeed, for the book is bound in human flesh, dried and cured to look like leather, sculpted and decorated with arcing lines of alien script.The words look both beautiful and threatening, an oblong and awkward spiral of indecipherable runes and symbols that waltz from the outer edge of the binding to the center, where there is a dusty inlay, and there, ringed in copper rivets, is an oval-shaped plaque, made of a thin sheet of brass.He passes his fingers over the thin, filmy desert of dust-critters that covers the metallic plaque like a death-shroud, and finds that the metal and its lettering are glowing with a fierce bright light the color of a candle flame’s heart.

Gadget unsnaps the latch on the side; the lock is long broken.The bell tinkles a few stale notes, a clarion call in the brightening gloom around him.He opens the book, and its binding lets loose a shrill whispering creak.More dust flies forth.The pages are cobwebbed.Surely it has been centuries since this book has been opened.Why does it feel so familiar, then?Brushing the cobwebs and the filmy residue on the paper aside, he looks at the mammoth pages.They’re almost parchment-like; he suspiciously runs his outstretched fingertips down the surface of the pages, so as to read them better.He jerks his fingers back immediately.More human skin, this time sliced thin and flexible as any paper.It’s perfectly preserved, not dried or cured; to the touch it feels like the flesh on his arm, with a faint warmth to it, like the warmth possessed by freshly-dripped candle-wax.As the cloud of dust-mites dissipates, he can both feel and see just exactly what was used to ink the letters, with their mangled and yet somehow graceful strokes, looking almost like the alien glyphs on the cover, only tiny, infinitesimal, and almost microscopic.It’s some form of mathematics, he’s certain of that; but what sort of physics or concepts do these maths describe?He doesn’t need to guess at what the ink used to make the markings is, or what it was, once upon a long, long time ago. The color of the letters is a deep, fiery red, the lines bordered on all sides by more runes and flowing symbols, and—

No sooner thought than done.The dried, carefully calligraphed blood-strokes on the page break into iridescent ribbons on the air above the page.A feeling grows inside him, an uneasy feeling, a feeling that something is not wrong with the book, but with him . . . he gazes down, his eyes locked in movement left to right, reading and reading, and he sees hand is turning transparent.His eyes leave the page, and he is off, fading through the Nexus of all Worlds.Shadows consume him as he is translated from the language of flesh into the strange alien language of the book.A chorus of a ghosts cats is wailing and moaning and mewling in his ears, calling to the stars above, familiar stars that now rearrange themselves into alien constellations.Dizzy and lightheaded, too lightheaded to panic any more, he doesn’t bother with the fact that his breath is heavier than he is.Gently then, out blots not just sight, but the very fabric of all known space itself.The world of form and shape is swirling away down the Vortex, and he’s going with it.He’s being pushed out of his own Story and steered by some phantom captain into the waters of Another.His atoms scatters from their course, the destination of which he knows is only the grave.Next, she’s derailed and detoured, sailing off onto a tributary that ventures away from the main river of life and time, washing him onto and into the never-bright rapids of the Void that lies between All Worlds, All Times, All Places, All Dreams . . . and of course, All Nightmares.He tries to scream, but no sound issues forth; he tries to fight the translation process, only to watch his fingers glow with light and deconstruct into molecules, then into atoms, then into particles, and those into pure information, pure abstraction, pure thought and idea, becoming one with the mathematics on the page . . .

Major Milestone Reached!

Well, I've reached a major milestone in Book 3 today: I just barely crossed the 80,000 word threshold about an hour or so ago. This means that the book is almost halfway written, and that I only have four more chapters to write, plus the epilogue. Then it's on to book 4, the first third of which — and the exceedingly complex fantasy mythology I've created for it — is already pretty much written; it's just sitting there, dusty on the shelf, waiting to be incorporated into the new overall storyline . . . with of course my sci-fi protagonists from Books 1-3 showing up halfway through the High Fantasy proceedings to wreak havoc — er — save the day. Oh, and I sold a book on Amazon today! $1.37 in royalties! Whoot-whoot!  Also — Book 3 will be slightly longer than Book 2, but Book 4 will be much larger than either Books 1, 2, or 3 . . . because it's the launching point for an entire new chapter in the gang's adventures.  Hope to see you within their pages!

 

An Excerpt From "The Reality Engineers: Volume 2: The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth"

“So what’s the plan?” asked Gadget as they walked out back to Dizzy’s garage—which was more of a small aircraft hangar, in truth— in which wonders untold were stored, as well as The Fangirl, Dizzy’s own version of a Battlestar Galactica “Viper jet”: An ambulance-conversion-model of a 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor limo-style end-loader combination car—in other words, a jet-black clone of the Ectomobile from Ghostbusters, only with its own bevy of specialized enhancements that had nothing to do with the busting of ghosts, but rather made it resemble the tricked-out LTD from Men In Black, as the improvements Dizzy had made were specifically geared towards flight.  This included structural reinforcement with a framework of roll-bars installed at fixed positions outward from the cabin and door-frames, and a wide pair of wings that stretched for fifteen feet in either direction from out underneath the doors. The body of the car was jacked up on specially-designed struts engineered from special materials available only to Mjolnir Technologies Aeronautics Division. Four gigantic monster-truck tires protruded from the struts, driven by a four-way power-train extending from an enormously powerful electrodynamic motor hidden beneath the hood. Attached to the back of the vehicle—and extending its length another five feet and attached via a special framework of spiral-shaped girders—were two gigantic jet-thrusters, replete with afterburners, and two large fuel compartments on either side of the cabin, just aft of the rear doors. Cables and wires and hoses snaked all over the car’s body, and it had a large pair of follow-spot klieg-lights for headlights. Written across one of the thrusters were the words: STARBUCK LIVES! The other one, on the other side, bore the hull-registry, DEFIANT II, NCC-75634. Coolant vapor steamed off the valves and hoses as Dizzy pressed a button on her keychain that activated the engines . . . a low rumbling hum and a high-pitched whine emanated from the car’s fuselage. The repulsivators—mounted on the underside and intended to provide additional lift—lit up with a cold, cobalt light, bathing the hangar in a pale luminescence.

“I am not getting in that thing,” said Victor, still carrying the EVI.

“Don’t make me beat you, Victor,” grumbled Misto. “Now get in the freakin’ car, asshole.”

“You call that a car?” he retorted.

“No,” corrected Dizzy, grinning. “She’s not a car. She’s the Fangirl. And she’s our ticket back to the university. The roads will be too dangerous . . . too packed with cars and trucks and people trying to get the frak outta Dodge. We’ll be flying the unfriendly skies instead, than you very much. And to answer your question, Gadget dear . . . well, right now, there is no plan. First, we get to safety. Then we plan. We can’t very well fight back—which I reckon we’ll darn-tootin’ have to do real soon—if we’re all dead and shiznit, right? We’ll begin by finding out where Harkonnen has taken Buffy and Lorenna—I’m assuming Victor is correct in that he’s absconded to the old mental institution just outside of town—and get them back, and then we’ll tackle this alien-invader business. Easy-peasy.”

“Says you!” muttered Angelus.

“Shush!” she quipped. “Okay then. Let’s go to school.” She punched another button on her key-ring. All four of the sedan’s doors opened. “Misto, you’re up front with me. Victor, you’ve got Schrödinger-and-EVI duty. Angelus and Gadget, you take the far side in the back with Victor.

One by one, they piled up the steel stepladders and into the car. Dizzy’s exoskeleton proved no trouble; it was sleekly-designed enough to just barely allow her to fit in the vehicle. Presently, she tossed a giant, lumpy duffle bag onto Misto’s lap.

“Oof!” he said.

“Supplies,” she offered when he frowned at her.

“Oof! I’m squished!” said Victor, snug between Gadget and Angelus.

“Buckle up, children,” said Dizzy. “Safety first.”

“Yeah,” said Angelus, “Ya don’t wanna be air-pizza, Vic. Do as your mom says. Like I do what Gadget’s mom says every night.”

“Fuck you,” said Gadget.

“Roger, Tower, we are ready for take off, roger, roger, wilco,” said Dizzy into a make-believe microphone. “Inertial dampener circuits are online and functioning within parameters.”

“Dizzy, what are you doing?” asked Gadget.

“Pretending,” she said with a shrug. “I figured we could use a bit of fun to distract us, y’know? Leastways, I could. Except of course for the part about the inertial dampeners. We kinda need those if we don’t wanna get squished.”

“Oh, Jeez, Diz,” said Misto, “Can we just—”

“Shush!” she said again. She cleared her throat and resumed: “Roger that tower, we’re ready for take-off, roger-roger. Okay, prepare for compartment closure—”

Dizzy punched a button on the purple-leather-plated dash, and the doors closed with powerful, mechanical latching noises. A hissing noise indicated oxygen flooding the compartment as the seals engaged.

“Roger that, alpha, zulu, pea-knuckle, chrysanthemum,” said Dizzy, “Betamax, eagle-eye, dichotomy—”

“For Christ’s sake, Dizzy!” said Misto. “Newsflash! There’s an imminent alien invasion and our friends are in danger! Jeez!”

“Oh, yeah, right, sorry,” she said with a sigh, and stuck the key in the ignition. “Got caught up in the moment, I guess. Okay. I gotta go slower ‘cause there’s so much weight. Ahem, Misto. But don’t worry. I think she’ll still McFly.”

“That’s so reassuring,” said Victor. “So instead of dying at the hands of a madman within the confines of my own mind, I’ll die in the wreckage of a flying car with a madwoman at the controls. I’ll bet that when the University crafted their policy on gender equality, such a thing was not in the fine-print, Roentgen.”

Dizzy poked her tongue out at him, turned the key in the ignition, the electrodynamic engine snarled into life like a rabid hellhound leaping at the throat of Cerberus. She punched a button on the steering wheel, and the glove compartment popped open. In it was a leathery bunch of straps, a small metal cylinder, and a lighter. She reached in and unfolded the leather, and a pair of old, World War II bombardier’s flight-goggles emerged. Dizzy strapped them on, pulling the cap down around her moussed-up hair. She opened the bluish-metal cylinder, and a cigar fell out. She popped it into her mouth, bit off the tip, spat, and then replaced the cigar between her teeth. She opened the Zippo and flicked a flame into life, lit the cigar, and sucked once or twice on the end of it.

“Boy, you really know how to torture a guy, don’t you,” said Gadget.

Acrid smoke filled the compartment. Victor coughed.

“Wussy,” observed Angelus.

“Fear not, Vic,” said Dizzy. “The air-filtration system will take care of the smoke. I just had to have my ‘Starbuck moment,’ if ya know what I mean.”

“Er, no?” said Victor.

The snarling, growling engine revved up as Dizzy fired the accelerator. The hellhound sounded ready to chew through its chains.

“There is no earthly way of knowing . . .” singsonged Misto, just loud enough to be heard, “of which direction we are going . . .”

The aircraft gauges lit up a bright yellow. Their needles ticked up and down. Dizzy punched a button, and an enormous, rumbling whiz-whir came from outside the car as the garage’s roof split in half. The halves began moving apart on clanking chains.

“And the rowers certainly aren’t showing any sign that they are slowing,” sang Gadget.

“Or is the grisly reaper mowing,” finished Angelus, looking up at the saucers above.

“Ready, everybody?” asked Dizzy, puffing on her cigar, and turning her head toward Gadget, then toward Victor.

“I’m gonna go ahead and say no,” said Angelus. “Safe answer.”

“I’ve had safer things to do,” said Victor, nodding.

“Whoever thinks this is a bad idea,” said Gadget, “Raise your hand.”

Four hands went up, all except for Dizzy, who merely rolled her eyes. “You guys, I swear. What a bunch of pussies.”

“That’s my girl,” said Misto, mussing Dizzy’s hair. “Now then, can we please get going?”

“Don’t mind if I do!” crowed Dizzy. “Ladies and gentle-dudes, without further ado”—she yanked back on the wheel—”YEEEEEEEE-HAW. . . !

The car shot up and into the blazing morning sunlight, flying just below the armada of alien flying saucers. Then the car shot forward, rocketing toward Wenzel University, with the twin STARBUCK LIVES! and DEFIANT II, NCC-75634 thrusters blasting out bright, orange hellfire.

Random Post Just For the Heck Of It

Today, I bought a digital copy of “(The Royal Philharmonic) Plays the Music of Meat Loaf.” Pretty awesome, especially their version of “Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through,” easily my favorite song of all time. I know it’s cheesy and perhaps lacks the depth of other songs out there, but something in Jim Steinman’s elaborate, theatrical power-chords and maudlin, over-the-top imagery speaks to me on a level that I can’t quite comprehend, let alone put into words. A lot of people like to hate on and diss the music of the 1970s and 80s as being too commercial and such, but I tell you, there’s something there, musically at least, that’s really enjoyable and almost spritual, as though those songs are hymns to gods that we fondly remember, but thaty have long since vanished — if they ever existed at all . . . they encompass and project and drip with a kind of nostalgia, nostalgia for a time that never was, but that perhaps was once our youth. Haters gonna hate, is what I’m sayin’ here, but deep or not, this is wonderfully-done music, and doesn’t deserve to be so easily critically dismissed as it oftentimes is.

 

An Excerpt from "The Reality Engineers: Volume 1: What Happens At Con Stays At Con"

Thunder rumbled, competing with the rock ’n roll and filk music blasting from the balconies of the Executive East Inn, where the three-day, twenty-four-hour party of RetCon XVIII—a phantasmagorical bacchanal of debauchery and imagination—raged like a gamma-irradiated scientist.  Starry-eyed Wonder Women made out with drunken Spidermen, and short-skirted Sailor Moons dangled their legs off balconies as Starfleet-cadets tried to feel them up.  The windows were alive with the silhouettes of toga-partiers and the photon-ghosts of Browncoats.  Bartenders at room-parties served alchemical concoctions—maybe one part Mountain Dew, perhaps five parts Tullamore Don’t—as Kryptonian scientists and Time Lords alike imbibed.  The whole hotel hummed with a psychic current, the mystic energy of the place a palpable, feelable thing, like a spiderweb of telepathic circuitry running through all those assembled, interconnecting a thousand-odd lives, fantasies, dreams, desires.  Nothing was true; everything was permitted . . .at least for this weekend.  Then it would be back to the grindstone, a return to the mill-wheel that crushed their dreams into dust.

Vulcans embraced old friends from Asgard, Middle-Earth, and Alderaan.  Clandestine kisses in broom-closets led to lascivious groping in the hallways, which led to sexual depravity in the elevators, which led to the freaking of many Mundanes, and the lowering of many purity scores.  Masks fell away as insecurities melted in the fires of momentary romances; once-lonely hearts burned like supernovae, desperate lights in the dark of being different.  Filk-balladeers went to great paeans, and vampire-slayers, lightcycle jocks, and Viper pilots all joined in.  The crowd of fershnickered fen cheered for Threes, shed tears for Hope Eyrie, sang solemnly along with Falling Free, and groaned with delight at Banned From Argo, that golden zombie oldie that simply refused to die.

Rangers and Paladins went in search of dragon’s gold, their fate sealed by a roll of the die.  Klingons armed with peace-bonded bat’leths, Jedi sporting lightsabers, and pale Elves carrying bows all played at commanding armies of monsters at card-tables in the game-room.  Elsewhere, small crowds of Ghostbusters, Wolverines, Delvian Pa’us and Dr. Manhattans gathered to wax philosophical as they eagerly conversed:  Who was the better Doctor . . . David Tennant, or Matt Smith?  Was Joss Whedon the next Spielberg, or just an overrated hack?  When humanity finally journeyed to the stars, would they find wise telepathic dragons, or parasitic eels masquerading as gods?  What was the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?  The African, or European variety?  How about in a warp bubble?  How about in a warp bubble designed by Wesley Crusher?  Elsewhere still, on the periphery of this zeitgeist, live-action role-players acted out vampiric fantasies in a world of blood, leather, and shadow . . . and they would punch you in the balls if you asked them whether or not they sparkled.

Were one to gaze upon this wild rumpus of wonder-junkies, one might miss the fact that up on the fourth floor, standing outside a room-party and talking to a short, moussed-haired man dressed in the tweed coat and bow-tie of the Eleventh Doctor—his personal favorite of the time-traveling Gallifreyan’s various incarnations—was the city’s missing superheroine, who had no idea that the fates of worlds whirled about her.  She was a nexus of destiny on a pair of nice legs, the latter being the tweed-coated Doctor’s primary concern at the moment, although he knew all too well that legs like that were usually attached to rejection.  For the nonce, though, he was happy to drift off and fantasize about single-handedly rescuing her from the clutches of a dragon, in whose mountain lair she lay scantily clad, chained, and screaming . . . an act of heroism for which he hoped he would be richly rewarded, and preferably in the same way that the damsels in distress of the Heavy Metal universe usually rewarded their rescuers.  If, that was, she didn’t just kick the dragon’s ass and fly away without him.  She looked like she could, and it would be just his luck.

Man, he thought, why is it that even in my fantasies, I can’t get laid?

 

Subscribe to The Official Blog of William A. Hainline by Email